I don't want children

It's been a while since I've posted on here. A lot has been going on in the past 2 years and honestly it has been a very difficult time for me. I graduated last year and will be finished with my dietetic internship in a few weeks. Until this year I hadn't realized how strongly I dislike the dietetic internship process and requirements but we'll save that for another post. 

Right now I want to talk about something that has been on my mind for the past several months. Back in January I joined a dating website (ChristianMingle if you're wondering). I've never been in a dating relationship before but I would like to get married one day so I thought this would be a good way to interact with guys in a way I felt comfortable because this is one of the areas my social anxiety tends to flare up.

I have always known I don't want to have children and by always I mean since puberty so for about 10 years. Well the thing I didn't realize was how hard it was going to be to find a godly man who understood this about me. In college I used to share with my friends that I felt strongly against having my own children and they either thought I was crazy or told me I'd change my mind when I fell in love. (Side note: Please don't ever tell someone that. It was very unhelpful and upset me because they weren't taking me seriously)

Many people on this dating website have asked me the reason behind not wanting children (as this is something I make clear in my profile) so it's something I've had to do a lot more thinking about and figuring out how to explain it to others.

So I'm going to be super clear on my position about why I never want to be pregnant and why I believe fostering and adopting older children is my personal calling instead of having my own children.

I understand that procreation is a process God created and getting pregnant is something many women desire and find beautiful. Objectively I can understand that, however it is not something I ever want to be a part of. As a female with the potential to bear children I do not believe this should be expected of me. I understand that for thousands of years (and in some parts of the world today) women did not have the option of not getting pregnant but today with the various birth control options women do have the freedom to decide if they want children and how many. This is a privilege I do not take lightly.

Aside from not wanting to be pregnant I truly do not like babies. I don’t like that they are fully dependent on another person for everything. I don’t like that they cry all the time keeping their caregivers awake at night, and I don't like that they have to have their diapers changed and constantly be monitored. So much energy goes into caring for a baby who will never even remember that time in their life. I just don’t want a baby even to adopt one. That being said adopting a baby is something I would be open to considering if my husband really wanted a baby. Or an unlikely scenario if my brother or another close friend or relative suddenly died leaving an orphaned baby, then I would definitely adopt it. 

And lastly (this is the explanations I typically share with boys who ask me about this) I believe the desire to not have my own children is a strong desire God placed in me ultimately for his glory. On the opposite side of me not liking little kids and not wanting to have my own, I have a passion to care for children and adolescents who lack loving parents. My heart goes out to kids in foster care who have had to go through really hard things and need to know they are loved and valuable. I want to devote my time and energy to letting them know they are loved and valuable. One of the arguments against a couple that doesn't have children is that they are selfish. I can understand that to a certain extend but my perspective is different in that I don't want children so I can have a better life. Rather I just never had the desire to have children but I care about children who already exist and need parents. I recognize I could do both (have children and adopt them) as people have pointed out to me but no. It's  not that I don't want my own children because I want to care for one is need. Rather I do not want my own children period. And I want to foster/adopt children in need which is a completely separate entity.  

Recently I've been feeling very alone in this unique perspective. I just want someone to understand but I also realize the God of the Bible calls his people to do things that are often contrary to the norm and misunderstood by others. I do believe this is something God has placed in me and called me to and even the feeling of being alone in this calling causes me to have to draw near to him. I also recognize I may not find a husband who agrees with my perspective about this and that's something I choose to accept. I trust that God will provide what I need both now and forever.