The Dichotomy of Weight Gain

My brain does this thing where it kinda picks an issue to focus/obsess over for a week or so and it oscillates back and fourth between a couple of different things. That's why I take SSRI meds but it doesn't completely prevent my obsessive thoughts. 

The past few days my thoughts have been around my body and fear that I have gained or am continuing to gain too much weight. 

See the thing is that last year I got a period back for the first time in 7 years and at that time I was shocked to find out my weight. It continued to stay around that number and so I was determined to make peace with it and accept that it was my body's set point. A month ago I came home from college and I've started noticing my weight has increased by about five pounds since last year. I know weight fluctuates frequently from a variety of factors (menstruation, hydration, muscle, etc), but I'll be honest and say that it does bother me that my weight has gone up.

I find that I have to argue with myself in order to put the irrational thoughts I have about myself back into context. One of the main things I keep reminding myself is that the way my body looks is not the issue. It's the way I think about my body that's the issue. Thin is a relative term. Am I considered thin? Maybe? That depends on who you ask and what my source of comparison is. 

But I never was thin enough in my own eyes. When I weighed 20 pounds less than I do today I was consumed with how thin my stomach did or didn't look. Constantly looking in the mirror, constantly comparing to other girls. Because in my mind I wasn't thin enough. Now I look back at pictures from that time and wish I looked that way again. I wish my face and legs looked as thin now as they did back then. But how ironic is that? Now I can look back and see that I was fine although at that time I had been completely consumed with thoughts of wanting to be smaller. So that brings me to the present. Instead of wasting my time and energy wishing I looked like I did 3 years ago when I was just as (if not more) unhappy with how I looked, I want to continually strive to be at peace with my body. 

Do I look different than I did 3 years ago? Yes.
 Is that bad. No.
Am I the thinnest person I know? No
Do I need to lose a few pounds? No 
Am I ok with the way I look? No
Do I want to be ok with how I look? Yes
Do I do my best to take care of my physical health? Yes 

Another thing I find interesting is that my appetite has a big impact on how I feel in my body. When I weighed less I was also struggling with knowing what intuitive eating was. I would eat a certain amount of food at certain times because I thought I had to, and because I felt that I didn't have freedom in my food choices, this led me to a disconnect from my body.  But now I eat because I want to not because I feel like I have to. Because I am able to feel hunger and respond appropriately, I feel much more comfortable in my body and connected to it.