My Story Part 3

Ok so I left off where it was mid March and I didn't think there was anything wrong with the way I was eating but my parents did. My mom took me to the doctors for a "checkup" and I remember getting into a gown and her saying I was so thin. Note to everyone: don't ever tell someone you think my have an eating disorder that they are losing to much weight or look so skinny or too thin or even unhealthy. This is what they feed on. I wanted to look super thin. Anyways the doctor weighed me and didn't tell me what my weight was but they said I'd lost a lot of weight since the last time they saw me (I don't know when that actually was). The nurse practitioner, her name was Sarah, she was a source of encouragement for my mom. She was a Christian and would pray with each time we went in for a visit. One of the other doctors wasn't very nice to me though. I remember him saying something about how I need to stop looking at the models in magazines. They recommended I go to an impatient hospital but my mom was against that and I was terrified because I'd never been away from my family for an extended period of time. Then they said we could try to do outpatient care. I'd have to start by seeing a nutritionist and I'd come in to be weighed weekly. They said if I lost anymore weight it was inpatient care time. 

I walked out of there so upset and frustrated. Why was everyone so mad at me and mean? I wasn't doing anything wrong! I don't remember if it was the same day or a few days later but my mom found me a nutritionist who worked with eating  disorders and we went to see her. She gave me a meal plan and reassured me that I wouldn't gain weight in the next week. That it'd just keep my weight stable. I remember going to the grocery store with my mom to pick out some of the stuff she suggested like yogurt. It was actually really exciting because I felt like I'd been given permission to eat foods I normally wouldn't eat, like yogurt. Although I wasn't very hungry after not eating, I looked forward to being able to eat more than I'd previously let myself. Ultimately my decision to follow the meal plan was an act of obedience to God by obeying those in authority over me. 

The rest of that spring my mom and I continued to meet with the nutritionist. One of the hardest parts of this stage in my life was the feeling over being restricted by others. I know everything my mom did was out of love but it frustrated me to the core. I wanted to be able to exercise again especially because I had increased energy levels from the food but the doctors wouldn't let me. Therefore my mom would continually say i was walking to fast or too far and never let me exercise by myself. My nutritionist also didn't understand that I wanted to eat only healthy foods. Now I can look back and understand why she wanted me to eat ice ream and pizza but at the time I didn't get it. Why would I put things into my body that were termed unhealthy and in which I'd heard to avoid. I also liked to eat all my food separately. I didn't get the concept of eating a sandwich without taking it apart. 

Also I was supposed to go to talk to a counselor but I hated that part. I didn't know what to talk about. Everyone kept trying to get behind the reason for my eating disorder and wouldn't except my answer that all I wanted to do was learn to eat healthy. That was also very frustrating. They thought it was my Aunt's death or my brother's upcoming heart surgery which was in June. Since he needed a lot of post surgical care, my mom put all my appointments on hold. The thing was we never actually went back to them. I'd asked my nutritionist how much I should be eating and she told me. So that's what I did. Over the next year I did eat enough food. It was mainly the same foods and only those I deemed healthy but it was a step in the right direction. I was only allowed moderate exercise for 20-30mins each day but I stuck to that religiously. 

During this next year (I was in 8th grade) my emotions, weight, and thoughts about food were the best that they would be for years to come. I'd often look back on this year and long for it. I had become more free in my eating although there were still some things I didn't eat (mainly dessert type things). But it was also a really good year of spiritual growth. I was so afraid of going back to the depression and guilt that I had been in the previous year that I made it a priority to seek God with all my heart. I read the Bible a lot and listened to sermons online a lot (James McDonlad one of my favs). I'd made peace with be able to walk on the treadmill for 30mins each day and mainly ate according to a schedule that sometimes fluctuated. However during this time I still never got my period back. 

Fast forwarding a bit, it was now the summer before my freshman year of high school and I decided to join the tennis team which meant running 3miles during preseason. That summer my mom and/or the doctors finally gave me the ok to run. I'd never run before so it was both exhilarating and difficult. I automatically increased my food intake knowing that I needed it and my appetite was increased as well. I wasn't very good at the actual tennis sport because I was just learning it for the first time. So things started out pretty good the first couple months of school but went downhill pretty fast. We'll talk about that next time. 

Also I am so thankful that I've never struggled with bulimia but if you have I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you. I identify with some of the emotions you may have felt but I can only imagine the depths despair you've experienced.