My Story Part 2
Hi guys! So I am going to continue my story but I also have a couple of random thoughts.
1. Have you heard of Mandisa? She recently came out with a new album and yesterday I was looking up her story which is pretty cool. Here's a link to a recent interview
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/mandisa-reveals-deep-depression-led-suicide/story?id=47025988
2. What do you think of women pastors? I have mixed feelings. Most trusted sources I've found on the internet say women should never be pastors but then I wonder about people like Joyce Meyers who seem to be really helping people and speaking truth as a pastor. Not that I'm thinking of going into church ministry. I'm just curious.
3. I really hate silverfish. They come on my windowsill at night which is right where my bed is and it freaks me out. I never know where they're gonna be there or not. I try to squish them when I see them but I'm always afraid more are going to come and crawl on me at night. Any solution suggestions?
Ok enough randomness, back to my story, so after I kinda got over the irrational fear about alcohol, I was feeling really insecure about myself and wanting to have friends and be popular and feel like a "normal" teenager. I was 13 which is probably the age when this is most common. I was doing ok in the summer between 6th and 7th grade although as I look back at some of my journals I did see that in September of 2009 I had made a list of foods to avoid because they made me "fat". At this point disordered thoughts were starting to creep into my mind but I hadn't taken action on them yet.
I remember bits and pieces of the months leading up to the climax of my eating disorder. I remember that starting my 7th grade year I really wanted to be perfect and well liked and "fit in". But the more I wanted to fit in the less I felt that I did. I also took my schoolwork pretty seriously. I remember feeling badly about myself for the way I ate. My family never has had dinnertime we were always just on our own to eat. My mom isn't big on cooking so we mainly ate frozen stuff heated up. I lived like this during the fall months still eating but kinda feeling badly for the way I ate. I remember being very depressed on weekends when I had nothing to do I would sit and cry. I don't know if it was from lack of nutrition, normal depression, or something else going on but I was very unhappy.
My eating disorder didn't happen in an instant. It was a gradual process. I can remember specific events where I had thoughts that I didn't know were unhealthy at the time. This is a lot of detail so feel free to skim. I'm just kinda reliving this experience through writing about it.
In 2009-2010
Christmastime: Family went on a trip. Mom brought ham and cheese and crackers that we ate in the hotel room. I felt fatty, that this was unhealthy and I shouldn't be eating it. I remember going to the workout room trying the elliptical and my mom telling me to stop that I was already getting too thin or exercising too much or something like that. (I had been on the elliptical for like 2mins) And this just made me more angry and want to exercise even more. I also remember going to McDonalds once for lunch and saying I wasn't hungry and didn't want to order anything but my family convinced me I needed to eat so I think I got a snack wrap. I also remember going to a buffet one night for dinner and texting one of my friends that I was fat and hearing her tell me to stop saying that because it wasn't true. I also remember this night looking up at the stars and praising God for making them and feeling so happy and free because I wasn't used to praying with my eyes open. (I know funny. I was/still am a strange child). I also remember on that trip going to Olive Garden and being really anxious because they serve wine there and I wasn't sure if they'd put alcohol in my food. I don't remember what I ordered but I do remember I ate a breadstick or two. I also know this was one of those times when I had to rely on God to get through my fear about the alcohol and I remember reading this verse. "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom".
Funeral: In January my great Aunt died and we went to her funeral. I remember going to chickfila before the 6hr drive. I got a breaded sand which and maybe a soda? Then I got another sand which cause I guess I kinda wanted another one? I don't really know. I just remember feeling really full and guilty that I did that. Then on the 6hr ride over I remember eating a blueberry flavored bagel and some candy and reading the calories on the bagel label and feeling so badly about myself because I knew I was eating because I was bored and it tasted good not because I was hungry. Then we got to my Aunt's house where we were staying and she had a bunch of snacks for us to eat for dinner. I remember trying to tell myself not to eat but she convinced me to eat (she really enjoys food). I remember taking a shower, feeling really full and telling myself I was so fat. I also did some sit ups that night which I had been doing previously in the evenings because I thought it'd make me thinner. In the morning I don't know if anyone else ate anything but I know my Aunt and parents were trying to get me to eat something and I refused. I know they were mad at me and threatened or actually did take me phone away. I don't remember if I did eat anything in the morning but I do remember being in the car, feeling very guilty for disobeying my parents, looking at the white snow and remember the verse that God makes our sins as white as snow. I was confused. I wanted to do things right but in trying to do them right I seemed to be doing them wrong. We went the the funeral and then out to lunch. It was emotional because we were sad about my great Aunt's death, I was also nervous around one of our relatives who was an alcoholic and then I was anxious about the restaurant we were going to. I remember ordering some type of Chinese stirfry without the sauce (either because I was afraid there was alcohol in it or because of the calories or a mixture of both) but when they brought it out it had a lot of oil on it. I was grossed out. I ate it because I felt I had no choice. Don't remember if I finished it or not. Later that night I think we went to another relatives' house for dinner. After that I don't really remember anything else about the trip.
Sleepover: At a slumber party I remember eating a lot of snack foods which included fruits and vegetables but I felt really full and fat/bloated and ashamed and mad at myself. The next day I think we ate some quiche or something for breakfast and at my house I had fresh juice cause our fam had just gotten this juicer machine. I also remember walking on the tredmill. I had recently started this because I'd been struggling for a while with feeling guilty over not exercising. Walking on the tredmill made me very happy and made me feel better about myself. Once I remember looking at the calories I burned on the tredmill and then reading a pb label and thinking why would I just eat those calories I just burned? What would be the point in that. Okay so I decided pb was unnecessary and stopped eating it. Same with other types of fats.
It wasn't until my mom said no more exercise that I really began to restrict. I remember being so angry with her. I was like fine if you won't let me exercise then I won't eat. I remember once she was trying to get me to eat and said I could exe if I did so I ate a serving of baked beans which made me feel so gross but she still wouldn't let me exercise I guess cause I hadn't eaten "enough". I was SO frustrated. SO angry. I remember violently crying, clawing at my bedroom floor. And I thought what is wrong with me? I'm acting like some kind of animal?! This just made me feel even worse.
In February we had a big snowstorm and got off several days from school. Those days were miserable. I was so depressed, everything seemed so hopeless and meaningless. I remember drinking breakfast morning tea with a little bit of creamer or something that seemed like way too much and I remember looking at Burger King food coupons drooling over the pictures and finding "strength" in the fact I could find enjoyment just by looking at food.
There are so many other details and emotions I could go into but this is already pretty long. The overarching theme of this section is that I was very confused. I was frustrated because I felt like people (my mother) was trying to control me. I didn't understand when they would say why aren't you eating? Because I WAS eating. Indeed I ate three meals. I was just trying to have a healthier lifestyle. I'd heard my whole life to eat healthy and exercise. That's all I was trying to do. I was trying to follow God. Trying to read my Bible even when I was exhausted at night. But somehow I always felt a lingering sense of guilt if only for the reason that my parents were angry at me. And my world was very small consisting of homework and trying to have friends. I didn't enjoy anything it was just about how I appeared. Even though I didn't truly enjoy spending time with people, I wanted to look like I was popular. If I talked to someone I normally didn't or someone said hi to me or invited me over my entire week was made. That's where I gained strength and the smallest sense of self worth. I'd eat my "healthy" little meals and try to avoid all other interactions with food which was becoming increasing more difficult. Why were people so obsessed with food? Couldn't we go to the mall without getting something to eat? People don't need to eat. They just want to. People can survive without food, or so I believed.
So this is how all this got started. It wasn't until I was threatened to be sent to a treatment center that I realize this was serious. It was more that just my mom trying to control me and keep me from being fit and healthy. That's what the next post in this series will be about. Tomorrow I'm gonna do a post for WIAW.
1. Have you heard of Mandisa? She recently came out with a new album and yesterday I was looking up her story which is pretty cool. Here's a link to a recent interview
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/mandisa-reveals-deep-depression-led-suicide/story?id=47025988
2. What do you think of women pastors? I have mixed feelings. Most trusted sources I've found on the internet say women should never be pastors but then I wonder about people like Joyce Meyers who seem to be really helping people and speaking truth as a pastor. Not that I'm thinking of going into church ministry. I'm just curious.
3. I really hate silverfish. They come on my windowsill at night which is right where my bed is and it freaks me out. I never know where they're gonna be there or not. I try to squish them when I see them but I'm always afraid more are going to come and crawl on me at night. Any solution suggestions?
Ok enough randomness, back to my story, so after I kinda got over the irrational fear about alcohol, I was feeling really insecure about myself and wanting to have friends and be popular and feel like a "normal" teenager. I was 13 which is probably the age when this is most common. I was doing ok in the summer between 6th and 7th grade although as I look back at some of my journals I did see that in September of 2009 I had made a list of foods to avoid because they made me "fat". At this point disordered thoughts were starting to creep into my mind but I hadn't taken action on them yet.
I remember bits and pieces of the months leading up to the climax of my eating disorder. I remember that starting my 7th grade year I really wanted to be perfect and well liked and "fit in". But the more I wanted to fit in the less I felt that I did. I also took my schoolwork pretty seriously. I remember feeling badly about myself for the way I ate. My family never has had dinnertime we were always just on our own to eat. My mom isn't big on cooking so we mainly ate frozen stuff heated up. I lived like this during the fall months still eating but kinda feeling badly for the way I ate. I remember being very depressed on weekends when I had nothing to do I would sit and cry. I don't know if it was from lack of nutrition, normal depression, or something else going on but I was very unhappy.
My eating disorder didn't happen in an instant. It was a gradual process. I can remember specific events where I had thoughts that I didn't know were unhealthy at the time. This is a lot of detail so feel free to skim. I'm just kinda reliving this experience through writing about it.
In 2009-2010
Christmastime: Family went on a trip. Mom brought ham and cheese and crackers that we ate in the hotel room. I felt fatty, that this was unhealthy and I shouldn't be eating it. I remember going to the workout room trying the elliptical and my mom telling me to stop that I was already getting too thin or exercising too much or something like that. (I had been on the elliptical for like 2mins) And this just made me more angry and want to exercise even more. I also remember going to McDonalds once for lunch and saying I wasn't hungry and didn't want to order anything but my family convinced me I needed to eat so I think I got a snack wrap. I also remember going to a buffet one night for dinner and texting one of my friends that I was fat and hearing her tell me to stop saying that because it wasn't true. I also remember this night looking up at the stars and praising God for making them and feeling so happy and free because I wasn't used to praying with my eyes open. (I know funny. I was/still am a strange child). I also remember on that trip going to Olive Garden and being really anxious because they serve wine there and I wasn't sure if they'd put alcohol in my food. I don't remember what I ordered but I do remember I ate a breadstick or two. I also know this was one of those times when I had to rely on God to get through my fear about the alcohol and I remember reading this verse. "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom".
Funeral: In January my great Aunt died and we went to her funeral. I remember going to chickfila before the 6hr drive. I got a breaded sand which and maybe a soda? Then I got another sand which cause I guess I kinda wanted another one? I don't really know. I just remember feeling really full and guilty that I did that. Then on the 6hr ride over I remember eating a blueberry flavored bagel and some candy and reading the calories on the bagel label and feeling so badly about myself because I knew I was eating because I was bored and it tasted good not because I was hungry. Then we got to my Aunt's house where we were staying and she had a bunch of snacks for us to eat for dinner. I remember trying to tell myself not to eat but she convinced me to eat (she really enjoys food). I remember taking a shower, feeling really full and telling myself I was so fat. I also did some sit ups that night which I had been doing previously in the evenings because I thought it'd make me thinner. In the morning I don't know if anyone else ate anything but I know my Aunt and parents were trying to get me to eat something and I refused. I know they were mad at me and threatened or actually did take me phone away. I don't remember if I did eat anything in the morning but I do remember being in the car, feeling very guilty for disobeying my parents, looking at the white snow and remember the verse that God makes our sins as white as snow. I was confused. I wanted to do things right but in trying to do them right I seemed to be doing them wrong. We went the the funeral and then out to lunch. It was emotional because we were sad about my great Aunt's death, I was also nervous around one of our relatives who was an alcoholic and then I was anxious about the restaurant we were going to. I remember ordering some type of Chinese stirfry without the sauce (either because I was afraid there was alcohol in it or because of the calories or a mixture of both) but when they brought it out it had a lot of oil on it. I was grossed out. I ate it because I felt I had no choice. Don't remember if I finished it or not. Later that night I think we went to another relatives' house for dinner. After that I don't really remember anything else about the trip.
Sleepover: At a slumber party I remember eating a lot of snack foods which included fruits and vegetables but I felt really full and fat/bloated and ashamed and mad at myself. The next day I think we ate some quiche or something for breakfast and at my house I had fresh juice cause our fam had just gotten this juicer machine. I also remember walking on the tredmill. I had recently started this because I'd been struggling for a while with feeling guilty over not exercising. Walking on the tredmill made me very happy and made me feel better about myself. Once I remember looking at the calories I burned on the tredmill and then reading a pb label and thinking why would I just eat those calories I just burned? What would be the point in that. Okay so I decided pb was unnecessary and stopped eating it. Same with other types of fats.
It wasn't until my mom said no more exercise that I really began to restrict. I remember being so angry with her. I was like fine if you won't let me exercise then I won't eat. I remember once she was trying to get me to eat and said I could exe if I did so I ate a serving of baked beans which made me feel so gross but she still wouldn't let me exercise I guess cause I hadn't eaten "enough". I was SO frustrated. SO angry. I remember violently crying, clawing at my bedroom floor. And I thought what is wrong with me? I'm acting like some kind of animal?! This just made me feel even worse.
In February we had a big snowstorm and got off several days from school. Those days were miserable. I was so depressed, everything seemed so hopeless and meaningless. I remember drinking breakfast morning tea with a little bit of creamer or something that seemed like way too much and I remember looking at Burger King food coupons drooling over the pictures and finding "strength" in the fact I could find enjoyment just by looking at food.
There are so many other details and emotions I could go into but this is already pretty long. The overarching theme of this section is that I was very confused. I was frustrated because I felt like people (my mother) was trying to control me. I didn't understand when they would say why aren't you eating? Because I WAS eating. Indeed I ate three meals. I was just trying to have a healthier lifestyle. I'd heard my whole life to eat healthy and exercise. That's all I was trying to do. I was trying to follow God. Trying to read my Bible even when I was exhausted at night. But somehow I always felt a lingering sense of guilt if only for the reason that my parents were angry at me. And my world was very small consisting of homework and trying to have friends. I didn't enjoy anything it was just about how I appeared. Even though I didn't truly enjoy spending time with people, I wanted to look like I was popular. If I talked to someone I normally didn't or someone said hi to me or invited me over my entire week was made. That's where I gained strength and the smallest sense of self worth. I'd eat my "healthy" little meals and try to avoid all other interactions with food which was becoming increasing more difficult. Why were people so obsessed with food? Couldn't we go to the mall without getting something to eat? People don't need to eat. They just want to. People can survive without food, or so I believed.
So this is how all this got started. It wasn't until I was threatened to be sent to a treatment center that I realize this was serious. It was more that just my mom trying to control me and keep me from being fit and healthy. That's what the next post in this series will be about. Tomorrow I'm gonna do a post for WIAW.
Comments