my story part 1

Ok so I thought I'd start sharing my story with you all. As I mentioned before I'm not a huge fan of sharing personal information but if it my story can encourage you or help you in any way then it's worth it. 

To begin this journey I have to tie in two aspects of my childhood. First I have always been an insecure person. Part of this stemmed from my family dynamic and part of it is just my personality.  I always felt like other kids were somehow better than me and I believed I didn't have the authority to choose my friends but rather it was they who chose if they liked me or not. On top of this I was always afraid of getting in trouble by authority. These variables compounded made school an extra anxiety provoking place for me. 

Secondly when I was 8 I was first exposed to someone who was drunk without knowing what that meant or what alcohol was. This experience literally terrified me and as I was continually exposed to this situation for the next several years, I lived with continual fear, uncertainty and dread. When I was 11 this fear of seeing someone drunk morphed into an irrational fear of becoming drunk. The first instance of this I remember was having a panic attack after smelling a cup with an alcoholic beverage. I lived in continual fear that being exposed to, in the presence of or touching anything with the word alcohol would make me intoxicated. I could go on and on about the details but it's not worth it. It was an intense phobia and I was too afraid and embarrassed to tell anyone about it. So how does this relate to food? Well I began avoiding foods with alcohol listed as an ingredient, most commonly vanilla extract. There was a time when I feared bread and vinegar. Now I don't think I'd say I had an eating disorder at this time. It's just that it was a similar mindset to what then fed into an eating disorder. 

At this time I was also reading the Bible and learning what it means to be a Christian. In my fear when I had no where else to go I would go to God and tell him my fear. I knew it was irrational but I also knew I needed his help. Overtime it slowly diminished. Even now I sometimes see traces of it in my life but as the years go on it's going further and further behind me. 

I'm gonna stop here and I'll continue with my story later. Please leave a comment if you read this. Thanks!!