I want to be more beautiful than you

I want to be thinner, more beautiful, and ultimately more attractive than you are! 

Is that a prideful statement or what? Of course I would never say this to anyone's face but in my heart I know it's the truth. 

Often my thoughts are not statements I'm telling myself but rather ideas mixed with feelings. For this reason it's taken me a while to actually get to the core of my obsession with comparing myself to other people and desiring to look a certain way. 

For years I've known that my eating disorder was sin but I never really understood why. How was it wrong to want to look and be my best (inaccurately defined as the thinnest I could be)? How was it wrong to want to eat healthy and exercise?  I've always known I was an insecure person whether it's related to my physical appearance, my social skills, or my ability to perform in certain tasks or activities. But is low self esteem sinful? Yes and no. I think it truly depends on the situation and the person. On one hand low self esteem can humble me and cause me to draw near to God because it makes me aware of my inadequacy. However, often in my low self-esteem I don't turn to God. Instead I compare myself to others or  do things to try and make me feel better about myself. 

Right now I want to look at my insecurities in my appearance. What is the root cause? I believe the root cause is that I don't feel good enough. One of the ways I look for validation that I'm good enough is in my physical appearance. 

The problem is that I become my own idol. I'm seeking glory, love, praise, and honor for myself. I want to be exalted. I want others to be envious of me. I want to look and be better than other people! 

Here's a poem I wrote the other day that helped me come to realize this: 

My idol calls to me. It’s voice is so alluring. 

I see you there. I want you now. 

Some say perfection is out of reach. My idol tells me differently. 

Strive… strive for me

It promises glory and satisfaction 

You will be the most beautiful of all women 

All eyes will look to you and wish they had your body

The young man you crave will hold you tightly and never let go

You will be the standard… the picture on magazines… the perfection of health and beauty

You don’t have to live in this body

You’re average right now but I can make you stunningly beautiful 

You’re lying to me. I know your voice but you are false. You want me to worship you but I will not! 

Your choice. 

See that pinchy pinch fat on your stomach? See how wide your hips are? 

It don’t have to be this way. 

You can have both happiness and beauty. 

Don’t think you need to deny your Lord either. You can certainly have both. 

A gorgeous, beloved, Christian nutritionist with a husband who has eyes for you alone

No pregnancy, no conception, no birth. You’ll only have adopted children and cats 

A big house and a circle of friends 

You can have it all

You lie! You’ll take everything from me and not give me any of that. 

But what if I did? 

It is written “you can not serve two masters at once” 

I will not trade my soul for the fleeting pleasures of this world. 

Yes I crave glory. Yes I crave to be the most beautiful and most well liked. You know me well.

But I will not worship you. God will preserve me. 

I believe what he has is better. 

Surely you do not think he would abandon you? 

You wouldn’t be trading your soul. What’s so bad about looking good in your body? 

Surely he won’t condemn you for that. What command are you breaking? 

I’m not asking you to worship me. I know he alone is God. 

Then what?! What do you want from me? 

I want you heart. I want your mind. I want your life to be all about you. Focused on your body and how you can look your very best. I just want you to be happy and beautiful and well liked by others. 

And that my enemy is worship. You may not want me to worship you but you want me to worship myself. 

I will not do it. 

You already have for many years. And quite honestly you still are. 

I know and Christ’s grace covers me. I will fight. I will win because he has won. 

Do you have any idea what you’ll be missing? 

No, no I don’t but I don’t care. My body is a vessel. A piece of pottery for God to live through. 

My body is not of great importance. God is of great importance. 

To worship and serve created things rather than the Creator would be sin

And I will not sin against my Lord who took on a frail body like mine to be killed for the very sin you want me to continue in

Go away. This discussion  is over. 

You are defeated and your power has been drained. 

God's been showing me that the beauty I crave is found in him.  The Bible says that women make themselves beautiful by hoping in God, that a gentle and quiet spirit is unfadingly beautiful,  It also says that God's people will be beautiful and attractive and that when they are in his hands they are like a sparkling jewel and that God's purpose in creating us is for his glory and his splendor which conversely his glory is the very thing that will bring me the glory that I crave. 

(1 Peter 3:4-5, Zachariah 9:16-17, Isaiah 62:2-3, Isaiah 60:19, 21, Isaiah 61:3) 

Worshiping God and loving him is the only way to be beautiful. All other forms of beauty are false. Now I just need to remind myself of this about 20 times a day.